Loss

When we were down in Corvallis, Oregon playing with friends at the non-con the beginning of November, very newly pregnant and more than a little freaked out, darling Ronnie gave me the sweet gift of a stone egg polished and painted with what I have come to think of as "Sunnyside Up swirls". It is one of the most lovely things I have ever owned. It is just the size to fit in my hand and hold and fiddle with, and it stays the temperature of my body, so it almost feels alive. I have been keeping it in the pocket of my black hoody (and for those of you who know me any, you know I am almost never not wearing my black hoody!) where I can reach in and touch it reassuringly, or get it out and hold it. I roll it round and round in my fingers so it is almost spinning. It is always warm and feels the perfect weight in my hand. I have even been known to sleep the whole night in my hoody to keep it there near me. And once when showing it to some friends who wanted to hold it themselves, I had a hard time letting it out of my grasp to share it around.

Ronnie's egg is now all I have left of this pregnancy.

One day I expect I will find a sacred spot to place it, a special place I can think of it and remember about it, but not have to carry it with me always. Till then you will find it in my pocket still, keeping me company, and occasionally helping me cry.